Whatcha textin bout Willis?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
