You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
