You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Randomize
