smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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