So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
