i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
