I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
