you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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