she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
