My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize