you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
