i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
