Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
