i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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