i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
