I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
