I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
