my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
