I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
