Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
