I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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