I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
so much tequila, so little girl.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
