who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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