His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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