I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
