I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
