I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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