I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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