In the future we'll all be gay
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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