I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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