Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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