She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
