dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
