my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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