Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
