The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
