did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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