Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
