My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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