took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
