I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
