I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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