yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
