I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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