This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
