I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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