If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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