Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
operation harelip BJ is a go
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
