is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
