Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Randomize
