Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize