i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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