How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
