i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The power of my boobs compel you
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
