I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So much rum. So many feels.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
