I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
im about as happy as oj after his trial
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
