it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
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