im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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